How can I not wax unpoetic over what just took place in my old stomping grounds of Hawaii? I have been bombarded by startling information on what was, initially, something of a distantly laughable event, namely, the 50th state’s all-too-realpseudo end of the world.

At 8:06 a.m., Jan. 13, island residents were told over assorted media outlets: Emergency Alert: “BALLISTIC MISSILE THREAT INBOUND TO HAWAII. SEEK IMMEDIATE SHELTER. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.”