Well, ladies and gentleman, you will be happy to know that in the quest to make America tough, strong and ultimately great again, the president has signed the all-important “Ending Procurement and Forced Use of Paper Straws” executive order. This will not make groceries, daycare or housing more affordable. But this is about our image, and nothing projects masculinity like drinking out of a straw.

This is right up there with his Orangeness’ national priorities like renaming the Gulf of Mexico.