PC Meets Ho-Ho-Ho – Santa’s Going to Get a Laugh Makeover

By MARSIA MASON | Dec 18, 2019

In a world where political correctness is the new norm, old St. Nick is frantically trying to make sure he doesn’t offend anyone this year. What with the continued influence of rap culture and the now unseemly meaning of his jolly “ho-ho-ho,” the poor guy is being forced to come up with a whole new laugh.

This public relations debacle led to a meeting among Santa, the elves and the reindeer where the reindeer jumped on the PC bandwagon and demanded more politically correct 21st-century names.

Donder was the first to complain. He griped that the public never gets his name right, but constantly refer to him as “Donner,” thus evoking gruesome images of the Donner Party. Donder is requesting that he immediately be referred to as Diddy.

Comet was next, whining that she is always being unfavorably compared to a household cleanser. As it turns out, NASA had already approached Santa on the wisdom of naming a reindeer after a heavenly object. When one of the elves suggested the name “Handiwipe” Comet nipped his tiny, pointed ear. Comet’s temporary name will be Barb, pending further discussion and an apology.

Dancer voiced his concern over the fact that people everywhere assume that he is a good dancer and often request a tango or a quickstep from him. When he suggested “Licker” due to his love of a good salt lick, his request was roundly vetoed for sounding too much like “Liquor.” He opted for neutrality and will now be known as Cocoa.

On the legal front, Cupid sheepishly admitted to being embroiled in a lawsuit with the Hallmark Channel over trademark issues. His attorney, Rudy Giuliani, has devoted numerous tweets to this unseemly lawsuit and has asked the public to “rally around the finest moose to ever walk this planet.”

Vixen was already in hot water with the public when it was discovered that she had been moonlighting in adult films for years. As an alternative, Santa suggested “General Audiences.” This was not well received by the other reindeer, grousing that the new name made it sound as if she were in charge. Santa decided on “PG” instead.

Blitzen had always hated his name because it doesn’t rhyme with anything, and what the heck is a Blitzen anyway? When one of the other reindeer suggested “Blintz,” Blitzen seemed happy until it was pointed out that a blintz is a pancake. One of the CNN-loving elves recommended “Wolf Blitzer,” and the name stuck.

Dasher was the next one to beg for a name change, citing her utter humiliation at being named after a punctuation mark. She will now be known as Beyonce.

The only two reindeer that liked their names, Prancer and Rudolph, were told to get with the program. Prancer was urged to come up with something more masculine, like “Charger” or “Brawler.” When his sobbing became too much for Santa, Prancer was led away by the elves. They calmed him down with some cleansing techniques they had learned at beach yoga last summer.

This left poor Rudolph, who was forced to change his name to something more Anglicized, like Edward or Phillip. There was much whispering amongst the elves that the whole red nose thing made it seem that Rudolph, er, Phillip, was chronically ill.

So while the reindeer names have been updated to reflect our 21st century sensibilities, the dilemma of a suitable, PC laugh for Santa remains. Tee-hee was deemed too snarky, ha-ha-ha too sarcastic. When one of the tech-savvy elves suggested LOL, the reindeer confused LOL with loll and immediately sprawled in the paddock, maiming several elves.

Guffaw was roundly voted down, as was a chortle. Giggling was also attempted and quickly rejected as being insubstantial. The elves tittered amongst themselves, prompting Santa to try a weak titter or two for effect.

It was decided that, for the time being, Santa would refrain from laughter of any kind while the elves brainstormed a new catchphrase for their now not-so-jolly employer. The public is invited to submit possible laugh styles to bring old Saint Nick into the 21st century. Suggestions should be made post haste, so that Santa can revert back to his jolly countenance before the big day.

Because when Santa ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

Marsia Mason, also known as “Gungamom,” lives in Beach Haven.

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